There is a spring in your step, and everything that was once second nature to you(grabbing a coffee, eating spicy food) is now a question in your mind as to how it will affect the precious little peanut you are carrying inside of you.
You and your husband lay away, late into the night, dreaming of your future, sharing your fears, and trying to come up with the perfect name that your child will grow old with.
You contemplate when to share your big news and who should know first...you start the multiple baby lists, you know the ones...baby names, wish lists for the nursery, cloth or disposable diapers, nurse or bottle feed, what will you need at the hospital.....and the lists go on and on.
They are your dreams being put to paper.
Then your heart stops, and your hope for the future is torn from you with one word.
"miscarriage"
You sit in the doctors office trying to compose yourself, as he explains that your child is gone forever.
It takes awhile for the reality to sink in, that all the plans you made, all the list you wrote with so much hope, are never going to be fulfilled. The pain you feel is so much more then the actual physical pain of going through a miscarriage.
For me, the emptiness of no longer being pregnant was the worst. and before you say, you were only "X" amount of weeks along, you couldn't "feel" pregnant, you couldn't be more wrong. From the moment you see the lines, you feel pregnant. You may not have the baby bump, and you may not be far enough along to feel the "flutter" of life inside of you, but you are pregnant, and your body and hormones have reacted accordingly.
The grief you have when losing a child to miscarriage can be overwhelming, especially if you are going through it with just you and your spouse. For me, I only told a few people, mostly because the responses I received from non family members were harsh, and un-suportive. I am not saying that they meant it to be that way, but they did not know what to say, and therefore ended up saying things like....
"You can always have another one"
"At least it was an early miscarriage"....because that makes it better some how?
"God must have know something was going to be wrong with it"......This is the WORST thing you can say to someone walking through the grief of a miscarriage.
"a lot of people miscarry, don't let it upset you".....true, a lot of women do miscarry, but I am not them, and I am grieving for the child that I lost.
Please,please, please.....if you have a friend or family member going through this, please don't tell her or her husband any of those sayings...even if you are trying to help, it does more damage then you will ever know.
Instead of saying words that may hurt them, ask them how they are, if you can do anything for them, would they like to talk about it. Offer a shoulder to cry on, and a place (with no judgment) to talk about how they feel.Treat their loss like you would any other loss, not only are they losing the baby that they were carrying, they are losing all their dreams as well. They are losing the chance to carry their child to term, to feel the baby kick. They are losing the labor and delivery, and that moment where everything goes quiet, and they can hear their child cry for the 1st time. But most of all they are losing the chance to hold and love on, to kiss and to watch their child grow into an adult. They are losing a whole lifetime with their child, and it hurts.
It hurts so much that the thought of having another child and the possibility that it could end the same way, can be to much for them. They may never again try, for fear that they will have to walk down that road again.
Be gentle with their hearts, for they are so fragile.
It seems that miscarriage is a taboo subject, one that people wish could be swept under a rug and never brought out again. but it cant be. It needs to be discussed, and it needs to be a subject, that while it may be uncomfortable, that needs to be addressed. The only way we will be able to make this happen, is if we, people who have gone through this before, start speaking about it. We need to share our grief with others and not hide it away, as if it is something to be ashamed about.
It has taken me a long time, to get to the point where I am "OK" with talking about my miscarriages, It is never easy, but it is something that I have walked through, and if someone who has going through it for the 1st time, needs comfort and friendship, then I will open up about my pain, in an effort to help them through theirs
I struggled with making sense of the fact that I had lost my child to miscarriage....I thought for the longest time there was something wrong with me...I blamed myself for not being able to carry our children to term. We walked this journey four times, and each time I was shocked at the grief that overpowered me.I though that having already had one, I would know what to expect...but I didn't. My grief was different, and yet the same all at once, for each one.
We were blessed with a beautiful daughter before our1st miscarriage, and she has truly been a blessing to us and our family. Being pregnant with her and feeling her little kicks and hiccups have been one of the greatest things I have ever had the privileged of being a part of. However it was not smooth sailing. We almost lost her multiple times, and I was put on bed rest in an effort to get me to full term. She on the other hand, wanted to come as soon as she could, so at 6 1/2 weeks before my due date Olivia made her appearance at 4 lbs 15oz, and has been a joy to us ever since. She is truly our miracle baby, as we were told the night before she was born, to "not expect her to live through the delivery" and if she did, she "would be in the NICU for months."
Gods timing however is perfect, and our baby girl came home 3 days after she was born, small to be sure, but perfect in every other way.
Throughout the grief we went though, I have often looked back to her birth and thanked God for blessing us with her. Not only was I given a beautiful little girl, I was given a reminder that Gods timing is perfect, and while this is not the road we would have chosen to walk, it is the one God has given us, and His hand has been on our lives, bringing us closer, this whole time.
What we went through was not a surprise to God, and He gave us what we needed to come out of our grief and find peace.
For those of you in the midst of this storm...trust in Him, He knows exactly where you are, and what you are going through. That longing in your heart will start to heal, and your heart will be stronger. Open up to those around you, and express your thoughts and needs. People will want to help you, but may not know how. Let them be a blessing to you and your family. And most importantly, do not blame yourself, this did not happen because of anything you did, or did not do. We may never know the"Why" surrounding a miscarriage, but we do know that our steps are ordered by the Lord, and that he will never leave us or forsake us. Put your trust in Him, and He will lead you through this storm.
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