Saturday, May 19, 2018

Embracing The Messy

loving to write, and actually having something to write about are two different things.

I have sat down and stared at a blank computer screen, wishing that all the thought swirling around in my head could come together into something cohesive that you would want to read. and yet nothing would come.

Oh I have a TON of thoughts, a ton of new ideas, and a ton of lessons that I have learned in the last few months, that I could have written about...but none of them were what I wanted to write about. nothing that would inspire anyone to change, or lift someones spirits.

Sigh...

So what do you do, when you have nothing that you want to say?

Me, I try to dig deeper. pull out the broom and sweep away the cobwebs that are cluttering up my mind and heart. Ask the Lord for Wisdom, and then sit back down, and try again.

My 1st goal when starting a blog was to be transparent, to let my raw emotions be available in case someone else was walking the same path we were, and needed to know that they were not walking alone.

so here goes...

Life is hard.

Life is messy.

Life NEVER goes the way we plan it.

Life can get hectic.

Life is GOOD.


The past few months, to say the least have been hard, messy, hectic, and NEVER went the way I planned it.

I was working a part-time job, trying to run a business, homeschooling, attempting to shop for grocery's and keep the home looking halfway decent,and trying to make my family a priority...all the while telling myself to "keep it together."

In reality I never had it all together. I was constantly playing catch up in one area of my life or another.  

I was a mess!

but like so many other perfectionist out there, I thought I could handle it all on my own. I didn't need any help, because what I needed to do, could only be done by me.

Yep...I was that crazy.

1st of all, that's not how life works. God gives us a helpmate in our spouses, they are here to help lessen our loads. They are also wise and tell us when we should let something go. In my case, my hubby tells me when I have too much on my plate, and that I need to figure out what is important and work on that.

Which can be hard for me, since I think EVERYTHING is important and needs to be worked on all at the SAME time!

Did I mention that I "might" be a perfectionist?

When I look around the house and see that while the house is "clean" its just not "My Clean", which is basically means it wasn't done the way I would have done it. This means that I need to let go of the idea that my home will ever be perfect, after all we do live/work/school here! And as hard as it may be, I have to learn to be thankful that it is just cleaned...no matter if I would have put the books back  a certain way, and there may be a a little clutter left on the coffee table.

I need to learn to be content.

Content in my crazy life!

Content in the fact that I have a home and a family that loves to laugh and spend time together.

I need to realize that a game night is more important then making sure the house is spotless.

I need to embrace this messy life that is all mine.

I'm setting out on a journey that will allow me to embrace my own crazy, without going crazy.

Letting go of clutter, and living in the moment instead of placing value on people, and not on things.

So this is me....making a commitment to be real, to be raw, to live in the moment, and  allowing myself to be messy :)



















 
 

Wednesday, April 18, 2018

I dreamed I had a maid...not a maid, but a fairy, one that came into my home, sprinkling magic cleaning dust all over my home. This magic fairy, then folded all my clothes and placed the gently into the CORRECT drawers. The towels were folded correctly and placed one by one  into the linen closet. My kitchen floors were somehow swept/mopped and there was NO mystery residue left for me to find early in the morning as I walked around, still half asleep and with no shoes on. No it was SPOTLESS! 

with all the work done, and no one around I was free to sit and relax and get lost in a book.

Sigh....I could live in this dream forever.

and yet...

the sound of birds chirping woke up up way to soon from my wonderful dream (seriously thinking about changing my alarm tone).  as much as I wanted to snuggle under my covers and return to my restful dream, but then I remembered that while I had remembered to start my laundry...I had failed to swap it to the dryer, which meant that my work shirts were not going to be dry.

I jumped from my bed, stubbed my toe on the dog carrier and ran to the kitchen to throw just my shirt in to the dryer in hopes that it would be dry before I had to leave for work.

I stopped to gulp some orange juice and looking around I can clearly see that the cleaning fairy did not in fact pay me a visit. the clothes are still waiting to be folded, my foot is partly stuck to the floor, and there are homeschooling books laying all over the kitchen table and as I peak in to the living room I see even more. My daughters Ice skating bag has taken up permanent residence in my living room, and her shoes are where she kicked them off.

As much as I wish I could wake up and my home be spotless...I know that this is a season, one that in the future I will long for. The books, and toys left where she stopped playing with them. I will long for the homeschooling days, and teaching her long after she has graduated from college.

My home may not be spotless, but it represents where I am in this stage of life. I am a mom, who takes care of her family the best she can while juggling a home business, a part time job, and homeschooling.

It is lived in and if you stop by at any given moment during the week, you will see a ton of books, toys and even a pile or two of laundry (on some days).

and that's OK :)

If you ever do find  a fairy with magic cleaning dust, please feel free to send her (or him) my way!








Wednesday, April 11, 2018

It's been a long week!


How can it only be Wednesday? I feel like I have lived a month in the last few days. I think distress, worrying and spending time in a hospital will do that to you.

And to think it all started just a few days ago.

Monday was a perfect morning (OK, it was colder then cold and I wasn't able to wear sandals, so it wasn't so perfect). When I hugged my daughter goodbye and gave her a kiss, I yelled out to my hubby that I thought she had a fever again, and she would need some more medicine and I went on my way. She had been fighting a fever/cough for a few days and we had been praying that she was on the tail end of it.  I hopped into my freezing car, and headed to work.

That was the last thing that was normal about my week.
At the ER

Ever have those days where one thing can set into motion a tilde-wave where you feel like you are on a ride you NEVER wanted to be on, and you have no idea where you will be forced to get off.

My work day started off like normal, and then it turned into not so normal. Sometimes no news is best, while other times news is hard to swallow and you have to put on a smile and tell yourself that no matter what happens God has already been here..He knows the outcome and He works for OUR GOOD. So that's what I did. I smiled, I laughed with my co workers,  and I told God that I knew he had this.

And I believed that. For the most part, that is. Every now and then I would let that moment of panic slip in. I would shed a few tears and let myself dwell on the what ifs. I am only human.

Then I got a text from my husband saying Olivia was feeling worse. 

When I got home Olivia was ready to go to prompt care. I took her "knowing" it was probably just a cold and nothing else. They would give her some meds and she would be good to go in a few days.

Not the case.

A nurse took her vitals then left the room, then came the doctor and a new nurse hustling in, asking questions about her heart and our family's history of heart issues. We were then told that my daughter heart rate at resting was 140 and that they thought she had a block in her heart valve (let me pause to say this...she does NOT have a block in her heart valve, and the cardiologist at the hospital confirmed that the prompt care doctor should never have even mentioned this to us), which freaked not only me out, but my 12 year old as well. I had to ask the doctor to reassure her that she was not going to die.

We were given instructions to call our PCP and follow up with them for her "heart condition" as soon as possible.

While checking our and getting her meds filled,  Olivia starts having shortness of breath and feeling like she was going to pass out, and on the advice of her PCP we take her to the emergency room.



 Where her heart rate continued to fluctuate from 120 - 160, even shooting up to 170 at one point.  She had a fever, was dehydrated and light headed and feel dizzy even when laying still.

Thankfully, the ER staff is wonderful and they try to make her feel as comfortable as possible. She was admitted to the hospital to make sure she did not have a heart problem, and to keep an eye on her elevated heart rate.

Tears, needles, an  I.V, itchy hospital blankets, more needles, even more tears from both mom and my girl, questions without answers...this was our night.

she named her I.V. pole Ivy :)
Through all the questions, tears, and all things related to hospitals (she did like the food), we were surrounded and lifted up in prayer. family and friends were calling and letting us know they were praying for our baby girl. Her friends, and youth group sent her text messages and marco polos to let her know that they were thinking of her. Our pastor and his wife came to pray for her, and in the ER with a nurse standing by to take vitals, we stopped everything and we prayed. We prayed for healing, for peace for Olivia, and for answers.

In the midst of the unknown, there was a peace.

Prayer changes things. there is no doubt in my mind that it does, and even though I had "mama moments" of panic, it didn't take long for me to remember that we were covered. That even if something was wrong, we were where we needed to be. God confirmed this over and over again, through text messages and phone calls from friends, and yes even a random facebook post.

When she would cry out  in the night in pain, we would pray. when she was shaking while walking we would pray. When they couldn't get the blood and had to stick her over and over again, we prayed.

  

We were worried it was her heart, since we have heart issues on both sides of the family, but thankfully it wasn't as bad as that. While her heart is beating faster then normal, it was the RSV virus (who know a 12 year old could get this) that was causing her heart to work so hard.

She is in for 2 weeks of quarantine (not going to lie, she HATES having to stay home for 2 weeks)  and meds to keep her comfortable. It will take a while for her to get back to normal, and we still have to figure out why her body is telling her heart to beat faster, but that is a question for her cardiologist, and another day.She is home, she is not 100 percent, but she will be soon. We are taking it one day at a time.

 
Waiting for daddy to come pick us up outside the Children's Hospital
The last few days felt like we were in a storm...and yet....sometimes in the storm there is clarity... my tidal wave started before we took Olivia to the ER,  and while in the midst of all that chaos and uncertainty, God made it clear what we were supposed to do. The moment we made the decision, there was peace again. Even though I have no clue what the future will hold, I do know the One who HOLDS my future, and therefor I know everything will be OK.


























































Thursday, March 1, 2018

Monday Musings....on a Thursday



Its been a Monday of a Thursday.

Today is day 7 of sitting and keeping my leg elevated in an attempt to let it heal...let me tell you something, sitting around and doing nothing is not all it is cracked up to be. you could say it is downright BORING!

I mean, seriously how many Netflix shows can you watch without going stir crazy?
Turns out for me it's only FIVE!

Sitting also makes it hard for you not to take stock of everything around you...like the dust that seems to be waiving at you from your piano...I know it's saying " look at me, I'm just sitting here and you cant do anything about it."

I think it will be saying something different tomorrow when cranking up "The Greatest Showman" soundtrack and give my daughter a dust rag and set her loose in the living room!

Does dust talk??

Anyway...I digress.

I think the issue is that I can't stand idleness...I have become so accustomed to being busy all the time, that I can't stand being still. the thought of doing nothing actually overwhelms me.

and yet, REST is good for the soul.

It says so in the bible.

Psalm 46:10
 “Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.”
  
~Exodus 33:14
 My presence shall go with you, and I will give you rest.

~Psalm 62:1-2
My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken.


and Jeremiah 6:16
Thus says the LORD:”Stand by the roads, and look, and ask for the ancient paths, where the good way is; and walk in it, and find rest for your souls. 

God WANTS us to find rest in Him. but how can we find rest, if everything around us is going at 100 miles an hour?  If I cant see what is around me because I am running around like crazy, then maybe I need to slam on the brakes and just sit and be STILL. 

This week has taught me that even if I am unable to be busy it's not all that bad. I am getting to spend extra time with my family and even if it is the last thing I want to be doing, I am learning how to be STILL.

Which surprisingly very hard for me to do. 


 for now I am going to focus on diving deeper into my bible reading, spend more time being silly with my daughter (she has made me laugh so hard this week), spend time working on my oil business, write more in my journal, and start chapter 11 of my book, and just rest. Rest my leg, rest my body, rest my brain, and rest my hurting heart. 

Just Rest...which has been good for me, even if it has been hard. but it has also let me realize that I am blessed beyond measure. 

I have a wonderful family, who loves me even if I am going crazy and I "may" whine every now and then. 

They bring me cupcakes when I have had a bad day. 

They keep me smiling even when all I want to do is cry. 

They make it harder for me to have a pity party, for which I am thankful.

Being still has opened up my eyes as to all my family does for me. My hubby has become the cleaner, short order cook, chauffeur for my daughter and a human crutch for me :) he has helped me more then I think he knows, and it has made me LOVE him more.

So that's it for my Monday musings on today which is a Thursday.









Monday, January 29, 2018

For Better or For Worse



In just a few short days I will have been married to my best friend for 15 years!! The last 15 years have flown past us, and I find myself drifting back and reminiscing about our life together. This man, that I have given my heart to, that I look up to, that leads our family, that LOVES me for who I am....he is mine.

For better or for worse :)

A brief summary of our life together just so you can know how awesome he is.

On our 1st date, I collapsed and wound up at the ER with Meningitis. He stayed with me in the ER and then came over EVER day to read to me (This is when I fell in love with him). When I wound up dehydrated and had to go get fluids, he went with me! When I freaked out because  they needed to take more blood, he held my hand (pretty sure I broke some fingers...I am TERRIFIED of needles)

He stuck with me.

When we got engaged and I turned into a bridezilla...Ok maybe not that bad, but I was super stressed, he just said: "whatever you want."

He stuck with me.

When I went into preterm labor at 22 weeks, and we almost lost our baby and I was a basket case. He was there for EVERY doctor's visit. He prayed for my peace and held me and our baby up in prayer.

He stuck with me.

When we brought our baby home from the hospital and I would cry because I didn't "feel like a good mom" and I was afraid I was doing everything wrong...he would hold me close and say "you're doing everything right"

He stuck with me.

 When we lost our babies due to miscarriage...and my world shattered each time, when I was so deep in my own sadness...he was there, holding me when I cried, letting me vent when I needed to, making me smile. Reminding me that we already had our perfect baby and that one day we would be ok.

He stuck with me.

When my parents passed away, and stepping outside into a world without them was so overwhelming. he took my hand and led the way. He didn't let me lock myself away like I wanted to. He is still helping me manage my grief.

He stuck with me.

When I was was unlovable he loved me. For better or for worse, He stuck with me.

15 years of laughter, hugs, being each other sounding boards, best friends, confidants, acting silly together, making memories, raising a family, and loving each other.

 15 years....it seems like such a LONG time, and yet it hasn't been long enough. I look forward to spending the next 15 years, and more with this man by my side.

When you are spending your life with your BEST friend, it makes for the BEST life ever!




















Wednesday, January 24, 2018

It's Time To Choose

Making Time For Home is the name of this blog....and yet sometimes I find our life so hectic and busy that I don't actually have time for my home.

And I don't like it.

I LOVE being at home and taking care of my family, but this past week I feel like I haven't been able to so what I love. I looked around today and this is what I saw.

1. The mountain of laundry is getting higher even though I have a load in the washer and the dryer
2. My daughter is sick, and camping out in the living room, so the Living room is filled with blankets, toys, books etc
3. I STILL have to unpack the totes sitting by the front door from our Vendor Event we had last Saturday.
4. Shoes are PILED by the front door
5. My bed has not been made today (not going to lie, it probably won't get made today)

In the midst of all this chaos, my home, the place that is meant to be a refuge, looks more like a tornado came to an end and dropped everything into my home.

I want the perfect home, the clean space that everyone could come over and I would not be embarrassed for them to walk through my door.

That is what I want... it is not, however, what I have.

My home reflects our life, we are busy, we are messy, and while I wish I had a maid that was only here to keep my home clean, that is not going to happen anytime soon.

I am working part-time at a job I LOVE, my hubby and I are building our business, and I homeschool our daughter. This is why our home and our lives can be a little haphazard and from the outside may look overwhelming. But it is the season that our family is in.

While I could sit here and lament the dust, or get frustrated about the toys I have tripped over AGAIN, I won't.

Instead, I will strive to manage my time better. to look at the season we are in with fresh eyes because it truly is just a season.  all to soon there will not be toys to step over, our business will no longer be in the building stages, and I want to look back on this time and smile over the memories we made, not regret the fact that I was overwhelmed by my home.

I am choosing to make my home a refuge...even if it's not the cleanest refuge :)

I am choosing to let people into our life/home without worrying what they will think if we have school books on the couch.

I choose NOT to set unattainable goals for myself.


I am choosing to put what is important first. 

Peace

My Family

Building a business with my husband/best friend 

Nowhere on that list is dusting my whole house every other day  (is it ever at the tops of anyone's list?).

Let's choose to be free from our own self-imposed expectations.

Join me in choosing what is important, to you and to your family.





















Monday, November 20, 2017

What I am THANKFUL for this year :)

Can you believe it...its almost Thanksgiving!

Thanksgiving people...How did that happen?

Was'nt it the beginning of summer just a few days ago (lol ok it was more than just a few days ago).

With Thanksgiving quickly approaching, I have seen numerous posts on social media on how thankful people are, and I have put a few on there myself. I actually got on here to write a post on what I am most thankful for and I came up with the usual family, friends, church...and while those are GREAT things to be thankful for, and I truly am, this year I wanted to post something deeper. Something that I may not say I am thankful for on a daily basis.

So like any other person, I started looking around to "find" what I was deeply thankful for.  I looked at my home, which we rent and I LOVE but it was not what I wanted to write about.
I looked at our vehicle, and while we have two, one is not running at the moment...so nope, can't write about that.
Thought about writing about my new position at work, which I LOVE by the way, but even that wasn't what I wanted to write about.

I wanted to write about something that moved me. Something that when I thought about it would bring me to tears. Something that I didn't want to live without.

I was sitting here just thinking about what that "special something" was and in walks my husband, and all I could do was smile.


This man....I would write about him!

Most people who see me and my husband, probably think that we are the "crazy couple" and don't know which one of us is the more mature of the two (ill give you a hint-its, not me).

I am taller, he is not as tall :) I shoot off my mouth and regret things later, and he takes the time to think things over before he speaks. I am the mommy, and he is the perfect daddy for our daughter. I am the planner, and he is the spontaneous one. I am the cleaner, and he is...well he is not the cleaner lol. I am the singer, and he is my piano player.  I am the homeschooler, and he is the breadwinner. When I am weak, he is my rock and protector.  When I need to cry or vent, he is my sounding board. When I wake him up in the middle of the night scared, he holds me and prays for peace. When I am acting crazy and people are staring at me in Walmart, he starts dancing to some imaginary tune. He knows all my movie quotes and laughs at them anyway.  He is the leader of our home, and I love to see how God is working in his life. He is my best friend. We are two peas in a pod, and I wouldn't change it for anything.
He is Everything to me, and sometimes I FORGET to tell him how thankful I am to have him in my life. 

7 months ago, on a normal uneventful day, our world almost came to a crashing halt. My husband, best friend, love of my life, almost left me.

I still see it when I close my eyes.


Me standing by the hospital bed, my husband grabbing his chest and looking at me with fear in his eyes. I can hear my voice screaming for a nurse as I watched his body seize up while having a heart attack.

Everything happened so fast, but in that moment it was as if time slowed down. The nurses running in, my husband reaching for my hand, my bag dropping to the floor...all of it stuttered to a stop....and there I was standing in the middle, not able to think, not able to pray, not able to do anything, but watch as my world was ending.

It was only for a split second, but it felt like it lasted forever. Thankfully my world, though forever shaken, did not crash. Even when I couldn't pray, God knew what we needed before we needed it. He met me in my moment of need. He protected my Husband, and I will forever be thankful for that.
So this Thanksgiving, I am thankful for my Hubby. I am thankful that he is still here with me. I am thankful that we can be together at church, that we can be goofy together, and share old movie quotes together. I am thankful for the new memories that we will be able to make, and for the extra time, we were given.


I am blessed...and for that, I am Thankful every day.

This song pretty much sums up our relationship...Love ya, babe!