Monday, January 25, 2016

Becoming Intentional


It seems like forever since I have blogged....its actually only been a few days, but it feels longer...I have been waiting for something to write....something funny....something wonderful.....something inspiring......

However, I have nothing like that to write about.....my writing will be changed forever and as much as I hate that and the reason behind it, I cannot change it. Maybe in the future the tone of my writing will change, but for now I will write whats on my heart...it may not be for anyone but for me...and that is o.k.

Today was the 1st day of school for this semester for my daughter Olivia. With us living between 2 homes during Mom's Hospice, I felt like we needed to focus all of our attention on spending as much time with mom as possible. So we put getting back to school on the back burner till we got home. It was the best decision for us, and I will never regret it. The extra hugs and snuggles, and TIME, Olivia was able to spend with her "Gugu" in her last days were totally worth taking the time off.

I would love to say that today went with out a hitch and that we are in a full blown school mode, but I would be lying. I had a few moments where I was overwhelmed...not with Olivia's school work, or my job  (I babysit some pretty great kids), but with the knowledge that even while I am trying to make everything as "back to normal" as possible, we are never going to be back to normal.

Everything is different now. We face each day knowing that we will need to overcome the sadness and keep moving forward.

I was reminded by a great friend to not withdraw into myself. They know me all to well :) I tend to hole up in my house and hide away from the world, seeking that which I find comfort and familiarity with...my home...my family, and my close friends.

During this difficult time as I have been praying for a way to get through this pain, one word that has resounded in my heart and mind, has been...intentional 

At first I didn't know what to make of it....I kept asking "what do I need to be intentional about" over and over again...

It took me a while to realize  (longer then I would like to admit), that what  I needed to  be intentional about was...

EVERYTHING


I need to be intentional with my Bible reading, with my time, with the words I say to my family and friends.

I need to make sure that what I..

do...

say...

read...

think...

and even what I am eating...is intentional.
 
There needs to be a reason behind what I am doing...is what I am watching/reading, worth the time it is taking me away from my family or daily chores that need to be done.

Are the words I say to my family in haste or in a moment of anger going to build up my husband or daughter, or will MY words be something that breaks their spirit, or cause discord within my family?
 

Will being intentional with my bible reading and prayer time make me miss out on other things?  Yes it will, but that's not a bad thing....if getting up early and picking up my bible, instead of my
Ipad/book/checking Facebook, and being intentional in the time I spend, will draw me closer to God and the place I want to be, then it will be worth missing out on a few updates/chapters/games.

When I look at it like that, am I truly missing out on anything?

NO

But I am gaining everything....


This is our 1st day back and I have tried to be intentional with what I say and do today....its been harder then I thought. As I laid in bed last night thinking of all the ways I could be intentional today, not once did I think that it would hard.

I thought it would be a piece-of-cake....boy, was I ever wrong....and as hard as it is for me to write this....I have failed at being intentional today.

But tomorrow is a new day, and I have another plan, and slowly but surely, what was hard will become easier.

I will fail in speaking intentionally, and I'm sure that I will have to say I'm sorry for words spoken in haste and anger, and I will have to ask others for forgiveness, but I will also learn from those misspoken words, and hopefully wont make the same mistakes more then once.

I am sure I will fail and become sucked into the vortex that is Facebook....but as I intentionally set limits on my screen time, and I try to be more present in the moment, instead of just posting about it, I will become more satisfied with living life, then just updating everyone about it. Don't get me wrong, Facebook has its place and I use it for my business, not just checking in with friends, but it can also become a distraction if you are like me.

I will fall off the bandwagon, and I will hit rock bottom when it comes to dieting and exercising...BUT I know what is around the corner for me, if I DON'T become intentional with my eating, and it is not a road I am ready to cross...


I will struggle with early morning Bible reading and Prayer.....but I will soon come to love and crave the quiet time spent alone talking to my God.

Being intentional is what will keep me sane, it will help me channel my grief into working on areas of my life that, I feel, I have been lacking in.

I will fail...but I wont fail forever.

 This is not an easy fix....it is something that I will have to work on every day of my life...it is a commitment that I am making, to me and my family...a commitment to try my best to use my time wisely...to speak words of encouragement, to put my spiritual life first so that I can rest in Him, so I can be able to take care of my family, they way they need to be cared for.

Tomorrow is a new day, and I look forward to once again, starting my journey of becoming an intentional wife, mom, sister, aunt, friend :)






















 

















Tuesday, January 19, 2016

1/19/2016

It is only fitting that it is snowing, on the day we laid our Beautiful Mother to rest. She loved the snow, and loved watching it fall. The snow will fall and blanket Camp Butler, and in the morning there will be no evidence of a grave opened and closed. There will only be fresh white snow. What a wonderful way to end the day, with a promise that tomorrow, everything that was broken will be made new. Answered prayers come in many ways, tonight my answer came in the form of snow :) 




Sunday, January 17, 2016

Tomorrow....Tomorrow.....


Tomorrow...

That has been the word I have been saying a lot recently...

Tomorrow, I will do the laundry..

Tomorrow, I will take down the tree...

Tomorrow I will ...fill in the blank...

I have had a week of  "tomorrows" and yet I still cant bring myself to actually do anything that I said I would do the day before.

Unfortunately I have run out of "tomorrows" for Tomorrow I HAVE to be productive. A week ago, I set myself a date to go back to work (to return to a normal schedule for my family) and tomorrow that date will actually arrive. So thankful that I work from my home, so its not as If I have to be up and out the door facing the world tomorrow.

It will be hard to get back in to a routine, but it is something that needs to be done, not only for me but for the rest of my family.


 Yesterday was a hard day, We sat, surrounded by our close friends and family, and celebrated our Beautiful Mother and the wonderful life she lived. On Tuesday, my sisters and I, and our families, will meet at Camp Butler to say our final farewell to her. To say that I'm dreading that day, will be an understatement....Saturday was extremely hard, but leaving Camp Butler will be even harder.

I know that my mom is not in that casket, that I wont be leaving "her" there...I know that she is at rest in heaven. But a part of her is there....the hands that I held for last few days of her life....the face I kissed and the body I hugged....that is still there.

That is why it will be hard to leave....but I will get through it.
 
So Tomorrow, I will start my day early ( no more sleeping till noon for me), I will make a list and try to complete it, and I will love my family more then ever before.

And on Tuesday....I will cry and say my last good bye...I will watch as my daughter, nephews and nieces, release yellow (moms favorite color) balloons up to the sky, carrying notes up to Heaven, and I WILL remember where my mom truly is.

And I will find my strength where I always do....in my Faith and in my Family.















Tuesday, January 12, 2016

Good Night

It has taken me a few days to put words to how I feel..

I have started and stopped this post, more times then I can count.

Just saying the words "my mom is gone" is hard.

For some reason I was still holding out for a miracle....I kept watching for signs that she was getting better...even when my eyes were showing me, and my head was telling me she was slipping away...I still kept looking...my heart was not ready to "see" what was in front of me. 

The last few days with mom were some of the hardest I have ever went through, and I wish that no one has to go through it. 

Some memories will never be written down, they are just for the few that were there, the ones who witnessed them and were a part of them.

Other memories will be told countless times, to friends and family, they will make us smile and warm our hearts..those are the memories I will hold on to. 

They will be the ones I write down...

At 7:59 p.m. on Saturday, January 9th, my beautiful Mom took her last breath and closed her eyes to this world. She was surrounded by her 3 daughters and the last thing she heard was us whispering "we love you." 

It was peaceful....for her. Which is what matters the most. 

For us girls, it was like a ripping of our hearts. 

We had prepared ourselves for this, or at least we thought  we had...but in reality, nothing can prepare you for watching a loved one die...no matter how long you are given to say goodbye. It is never enough time.

My mom touched so many lives. People she had only known for a year were coming to see her, telling us how big of an impact she had had on their lives...in such a short time. 

Those blessed to know her, knew she was  a kind, funny, crazy lady that could make a friend anywhere. she would (and did) give you the shirt off her back. She made everyone feel like they were special and that she loved them...and she did.

She had a heart for ministry and this showed in her everyday life. She loved bringing people to church and telling them about God. There are workers at Walmart who come up to me EVERYTIME we are there to ask about mom, and to tell me how much they miss her since she moved away. She started these friendships by asking them to church. 

I have yet to tell them of her passing...as if by telling one more person, would make it seem any less real. 

My family has let me "hide" in the house these past few days. I've had contact with a few close friends, but my husband has been taking my phone calls and has been keeping me sane  by keeping the house straight, and making late night trips to steak and shake for white chocolate shakes. 

I'm not ready to a face a world where both my parents are gone.

I'm not sure when I will be ready to face that...for now I am taking it one day at a time.

Until then my family and friends are helping me cope and even on occasion bringing a smile to my face :) 
My mom had taken to saying "Goodnight", instead of saying goodbye....when I asked her why, she said she couldn't bare to say goodbye to us. So regardless of the time, she would say "goodnight" whenever I would hang up the phone, or when I would say I was running to the store, but would be right back, she would always say "goodnight"


"Good Night" 

It's so much better then saying good bye...goodbye has such a "ending" to it...it is so final.

Good Night, to me, means I'll see you in the morning!

To me it's a promise. 

It's a promise that one day soon, we will all be in heaven...Mom and Dad have already finished their race and have received their reward. 

They are where we long to be, where we spend our whole life reaching for. One day we will hear the same words they heard.

"Well done" 

And we will rejoice with them. 

I may not see you tomorrow morning Mom, but I will see you again.

 So when we see you, for the last time, here on this Earth, I won't say goodbye...

I'll say good night.  

Love you more then words can say.

Until we meet again....Good Night Mama! 













Friday, January 8, 2016

No words

There are no words to express what we are going through...I couldn't even begin to describe the hurt that we are experiencing. 

Watching a loved one slip away, a little more with each day, is emotionally draining. 

The hardest thing is knowing that with each passing moment, it could be her last. 

I have taken to hugging her and "tucking her in" multiple times a night...because I'm so afraid that it will be the last time I get to do so. 

My sister and I have spent the night holding her hand, whispering to her that "it's ok" if she needs to go....that we "understand." 

I need to cry, but I'm afraid that once the tears start, I will not be able to recover...and we have to be strong, for mom...for the kids...for each other. 

Even though I know that I need to be strong...i'm not.

I want to curl up in my moms bed, like I did when I was scared as a child, and have her wrap her arms around me and tell me  "it's ok." 

I want her to tell me that she's "here" and there is nothing to be scared of. 

I want her to comfort me and ease my fears....instead the roles are reversed...we are comforting her, telling her that she's not alone, and that we are here for her. 

We are taking care of her....it's so hard to fathom that my sister and I have taken over the role of parent in the last few days...

I wouldn't wish this on anyone, but caring for, loving on, comforting her,  and easing her fears has been an honor. 

We have been able to show her how much she means to us. To tell her how much we love and appreciate her. It's been some of the hardest days, but also some of the sweetest. 

My mom loved us girls with all her heart....and we have been able to show that we love her with all of ours. 

Each morning with her, we are given another day to show her how much we love her and that she means the world to us. 

Those words are easy to write...they are filled with love...

The hard words are filled with doubt, fear and anger...not at God, but at the situation we are yet again facing. 

For those feelings I have no words....and that's ok...because God doesn't need to hear our words...He can see our hearts and the hurt that we are going through.

And even when it seems like we are standing alone in the middle of this storm, I can still feel His hand holding tight to mine, and I am clinging to Him. 












Monday, January 4, 2016

When prayers change

With everything going on in the the last few days,  my prayers have changed.

My prayers are no longer filled with "please heal my mom.....if you can cure cancer, surely you can heal her liver"

My prayers are now..."Please take away her pain, surround her and us In your peace...please give her  rest" 

While I am still looking for a miracle, I am also realizing that each day, each moment she is here, her pain intensifies, and I don't want my beautiful mother to suffer. 

I want her to be laughing and smiling and pain free, and while she is here, like this, that can't happen. 

Sometimes the freedom and healing we pray and beg God for, only happens after he has called our loved ones home.

Changing my prayers have been hard...I want to scream out "why won't You save her!" 

Then I realize that He already has...my mom is a child of Gods and He has already given everything for her. In that knowledge, I find Peace. 

Even if I have to keep reminding myself Over and over again, throughout each new day.  

My mind knows this, but my heart still aches.I still want to keep her here. No matter how many days we have left with her, they will never be enough. 

I find myself grieving for moments we haven't even had yet....the birthdays coming up that she won't be at, the daily phone calls we will no longer have, the goofy jokes she will never tell my daughter...the list goes on and on. 

It's in these moments when I have to take a deep breath, ask God for a moment of peace, hug my family and continue to pray for Gods will to be done. 

Not my will....because my will would be her healthy, whole, and here with us...

I pray for Gods will, because only He knows the outcome, and as my mom always told me "Gods will is ALWAYS perfect." 

Even when His will seems to be less then perfect in my mind, and I can't wrap my head around what is going on....His will is still perfect. 





a-wise-woman-builds-her-home

Friday, January 1, 2016

My beautiful mom :)

My BEAUTIFUL mom had a wonderful day today!! Just seeing her smile and goof off with her grandkids has meant the world to us! 


She has been surrounded by a TON of friends today, who have cheered her up and showered her with love! 

Today has been filled with impromptu singing, wearing turbans, pretend sword fights, watching musicals, and just hanging out and talking about everything.
 

It has been a WONDERFUL day...

A day we all needed...

Mom is watching a cartoon with her oldest grandkids, Jaida and Olivia, as I write this, and I can hear all three of them giggling and talking about the carton :) 


Praying for another great day tomorrow, but if not, we were blessed to have today!