Last week was hard.....REALLY hard!
I kept telling myself that if I could just get through Mothers Day, I would be OK. All week long I kept telling myself that.
I was irritable, I was moody, and I wanted to be left alone. I wanted to go to sleep and wake up and it be Monday.
After one of the longest weeks ever, Mothers Day was here....I dreaded getting up for church, to see the smiling faces of everyone, and to know that even while I was smiling on the outside, My heart was broken on the inside.
I made it through church, and my little family came home to spend the day together, and while we were invited out by some dear friends, I needed to surround my self with my family and just rest my heart.
My husband and daughter, took care of me, and made my day special. They let me rest, and gave me thoughtful gifts, and they let me cry when I needed to cry.
Sunday night rolled around and I started to breathe easier...It was almost over!!
I had made it through my 1st Mothers Day without having mom here. It was hard but I had survived.
I could move forward to the next big 1st, Olivia's Birthday, that was coming in July.
I could handle this....
Then Monday came, and I woke up in tears....it was the 4 month anniversary of her death. It had sneaked up on me, and I was so worried about getting through Mothers Day, that I had temporally forgotten what Monday would hold.
Yesterday was a day of sadness, a day of playing moments over and over again in my mind. I played the "what if" game, and I cried a lot.
I was irritable, I was moody, and I wanted to be left alone. I wanted to go to sleep and wake up and it be Tuesday!
When it finally came time to go to bed, I couldn't sleep. I finally went to bed at 12am, and laid there tossing and turning until I woke up my husband, and he held me while I cried. The last time I looked at the clock it was 3:45 am, my hubby had fallen back to sleep, and I closed my eyes and prayed for peace.
Which is what I should have done 1st....
Last week when I started to get anxious about the holiday, I should have prayed for peace.
When I was grumpy and irritable...I should have prayed for peace.
When I wanted to crawl into bed and hide under the covers...I should have prayed for peace.
When I was sitting in church, trying to keep the tears from spilling out....I should have prayed for peace.
And yesterday, when I felt like the world was crashing around me...I should have prayed for Gods perfect peace.
But I didn't...Instead I let myself get so emotionally despondent, that I made not only my week horrible, but that of my family's as well.
I let the sadness sink in, and instead of turning to the One who could take it away, I clung to it like it was a life boat.
I heard it said once, that we are not grieving for the one that passed away, instead we are grieving for ourselves...for the memories that might have been. Both my parents are in Heaven, of that I am sure....and they would NEVER want to come back to this world. I am grieving becasue I miss talking to them, I miss hugging them, and Yes...I miss the memories that we could be making.
This past week, I lost sight of the most important thing...My parents are in heaven, they lived their life for this one goal. To hear the words "my good and faithful servant." they finished their race, and I can look back over their lives, I can find encouragement in the way they lived for God, even when the times were tough, they never stopped trusting in Him.
We will grieve, and that is normal. When you loose someone close to you,
like a parent, you are going to grieve, it would be unnatural not to
grieve. But it is not Gods desire for us to wallow in our grief, or to take up a permanent residence (or a week long vacation) there. It is his desire to bring us His perfect peace.
This morning after thinking over how I allowed myself to be so caught up in my grief that I failed to see the wonderful things God had done for me. He gave me a wonderful family, who even when I was grumpy, and sad, and I just wanted to be left alone, still stood by me. They still made "my" Mothers Day special.
This morning I was reminded that, no matter what the situation, God will give us peace...all we have to do is ASK for it.
So this morning, I am choosing to ASK for His peace...I am choosing to wrap my heart in His peace, and I am choosing to hand over my frustrations and sadness to Him. To start each day by basking in His unending love, and while I will still grieve, and I will still miss my mom and dad, I will find peace in the knowing where they are, and I will keep running this race, so that one day soon, we will meet again.