You want to hold on to them forever and never let go......and then you have to leave...with that doubt in your mind, the whispered lies floating through your mind, taking root, that you were not there enough, that you didn't hug, kiss, or say you loved them enough.
It's enough to crush you...enough to make you want to hide away from everyone.....even yourself.
This is where we are...my Beautiful Mom is on hospice..and I am trying to wrap my head around that word..
Hospice......such a scary word....its the knowledge that the end is near, but never knowing when that final day will come.
The past few months we have been making every opportunity to be with her, we knew this was coming, and we were going to make as many memories with her as we could, but there will always be more memories we want to share with her.
We will always think "what if we did this differently" or "maybe if we spent more time with her".
Today has be filled with packing, Making sure I have packed enough clothes for me and my daughter, grabbing chargers, my Bible, things to keep Olivia busy, and trying to pick up the house so my husband has a somewhat clean house to come home to after a long day of work and relax in.
I am sure I will forget something.I will get to my sisters and realize that something I need, is sitting on the table, or in the bathroom...It will probably, be exactly where I left it unmoved, when I get home, as if nothing has changed....but no mater how normal and unchanged everything looks when we go home...it will be different...we will have changed.
Our lives will no longer be the same.....
The next few days and weeks will not only take a toll on me, but on my whole family, and those who are like family to my Mom. We are watching our Mom, Grandmother, Mother in Law, and best friend, slip from this world, and it will change each of us.
I'm not even going to pretend that I'm "fine"
I am sure at sometime in the future I will be OK, but I don't expect it to happen over night, and it shouldn't. When you love someone so much, and are loved the same in return, your loss is sometimes greater then what you can ever imagine.
This is hard...so hard, and yet we find peace and comfort in knowing that she is ready, and at Peace with what is coming.
She knows that she is in Gods hands, and whatever the outcome, that He is holding her hand. We rest in the knowledge that this is not Goodbye forever, but just for awhile, until we meet her on the other side.
So, for however long we have left with Mom, we will hold her hand, tell her how much we LOVE her, read her Bible to her, sing to her, and just "be" with her. She will not be alone, she will be surrounded by people who love and cherish her.