Saturday, April 30, 2016

My Heart

Wow...its been a bit since I have written a blog post. I have been mulling over a few ideas, but every time I sit down to write, my brain just turns off, which is kind of frustrating for someone who LOVES to write.

Today, the same thing happened. I sat down ready to write about something I have been thinking about over the last few days, and the moment my hands touched the keyboard....I got nothing!

So today, instead of writing something that is thought out and planned, I am just going to open up and let you see into my heart
.

As much as I would love to be the organized, calm mother and wife, I think I lean more toward the stressed out, over analyzing, forgetful mom/wife.

I have made great strides in this area, mostly becasue I have been making myself use a daily/monthly planner, but.....if I forget to write something in it, then its not going to get done.

My house is not the perfectly clean and managed home that I would love it to be. In fact, as I'm sitting here writing this, I can see the toys that are not being played with stacked along the wall...you know just in case, my lovely daughter decides she wants to play with them again today, and I have laundry sitting (yet again) in my washer that has to be re-washed.

My dog needs to be shaved and is in desperate need of a bath, which is very apparent as he is "snuggling" next to me.

And while my kitchen is "clean", I still need to unload the dishwasher and sweep the floors.

I want to be that perfect mom/wife that is fun and always doing something for her family...the mom/wife that never yells, and is always encouraging.

I dont want to be the one who gets upset about how her husbands hair is cut (yes, that did happen), or be the mom  that is frustrated at toys on the floor.

Have you ever stepped on a miniature My Little Pony in the middle of the night???

If you have then you know the pain and frustration that I'm talking about.

I want to be the happy, go lucky mom with out a care in the world, whose life revolves around her family and friends. However this past year has not been as we planned it. We have been through so much as a family, that it has taken a toll on us all. I have not been the mom/wife that I have wanted to be. I have gone to bed in tears, becasue I have not been the best that I can be. I have said things that can never be unsaid, and I have failed at being a great mom/wife.

And yet...my family still loves me, I still get hugs and kisses and an unending amount of forgiveness from them. they have held me up when I have hit rock bottom, and never once made me feel like the failure I know that I have been.

Love....Their love makes me want to try harder, to be more deserving of what they give me so freely.

I will probably  NEVER have a spotless house, and as much as I want to be that perfect mom/wife, I will have to settle for what I am. A mom/wife who loves her family more then anything, someone who wants to be the best for them, becasue they deserve the best! 
















Tuesday, April 19, 2016

Reminders

My Mom has been gone for three months....sometimes it feels like forever, and then there are times that it feels like just yesterday we were sitting in her room, holding her hand, and watching her take her last breath...

This past week had been so hard, I'm not sure why, but I have been an emotional roller-coaster, one second I was laughing while watching  a movie with my family, and the next thing I know, I am balling my eyes out, because I know my parents would have been laughing at the movie too...

I still wait for her to text me every night.

I still pick up my phone to call her when I need someone to talk to.

I still forget that she is gone.

I still want to tell her how much I love her, just one more time......or how much she meant to me.

I still long for one more hug, for her to squeeze me tight and tell me shes proud of me.

I still want to see her dancing like crazy to Christmas music with Olivia, or hear her tell stories all in Pig Latin, while doing all the hand movements.

I still want her to go on sleepovers with us and teach Olivia how to do a Chinese Fire Drills..

I still want her to finish painting the birdhouses in our kitchen (that she started before she and dad moved)

I still want my mom to be here.

While I know that is not a possibility....my heart still tells me, that the late night text is from her, even while my brain is telling me its not possible...I still check to see if its her.

My heart has been overwhelmed...and sometimes its hard to see past the tears and the emptiness.

We have been this through this before with Dad.....we are still going through grief from his loss....maybe that's why its so hard this time....because I am not morning just my mom, I am mourning the loss of both of my parents.

I type that sentence 'I am mourning the loss of both my parents" and it seems so surreal, like they could pop in and say hi at any given moment.

How I wish....

Even though I still miss my Mom and my Dad, I know where they are. I can close my eyes and "see"  them dancing and singing around the throne, worshiping their Lord. They spent their whole life, working for the goal of Heaven, and they won their race. That knowledge alone brings me peace.

I may never get to see them again on this earth, but I look forward to that moment, when I will see them again in Heaven. 

 Throughout this I have been blessed with family and close friends who have been here for me no matter what... I can honestly say that I wouldn't have gotten through this without them by my side.  God placed them in my life, just when I needed them the most.

He has a way of doing that....providing us with what we need the most,before we even know that we need it.

While my mom was on hospice, we played a CD over and over again...to the point that I wanted to throw the CD out...I never wanted to hear the songs again, I associated them with her passing and while they were great songs, I just couldn't hear them without crying.

However, one of the songs has been stuck in my head for the past week. I find myself humming it, or just singing the chorus, and much to my surprise, I dont feel sad, I feel at peace. I have been drawing strength and comfort from something I never thought I would.

Once again, God knew what I needed before I did and He stored away that song, knowing that it would be exactly what I needed, right now in this stage of my grief.

The song is about how God will never leave us, it is a great reminder that I am not alone....no matter how alone I feel, He is always beside me, holding my hand and bringing comfort when I most need it.

So thankful for these reminders, that even when I dont know what is coming, God has already given me what I need to get through it.













A Wise Woman Builds Her Home

Monday, April 4, 2016

Throwing Out Todays Plan

I spent Saturday working on lessons plans for my daughter Olivia's schoolwork this week, and I was so excited to start implementing them today....I was finally on top of the coming weeks lessons, all her schoolwork was pulled and labeled, and put into individual folders....I was so ready to start school on Monday!

My plans, that at 3am Sunday morning, were tossed out the window!

Olivia had a horrible puking bug and I spent the rest of the early morning taking care of her and she was finally able to go to sleep around 8am.

At this point, I would like to tell you that, my hubby was awesome....he cleaned the entire bathroom for me, I on the other hand RAN as fast as I could past the bathroom and almost didn't make it to the living room without getting sick! please tell me I am not the only mom, who cannot take care of their children's puke.

I cant be the only one.....right?

I wrote that all to say, that my plans ( that I was so EXCITED about)  were thrown out the window, and what I wanted to do today was not going to happen. And I am OK with that.

We homeschool, for exactly this reason...life is unpredictable, and even when I plan out everything (it NEVER works, but I keep trying), there is always the chance that something that will pop up that I cant control (sickness, death in the family, work). Homeschooling allows us to be flexible and since we school year long we get more then enough school days in.  So for today, while not what I planned, we are taking a sick day. Olivia is resting on the couch with her pillow, blanket, and her favorite stuffed bear and shes watching cartoons. Sometimes you just need to rest! 

Tomorrow I will pull out the lesson plan that I made for today, and we will start fresh. But for today I will take care of my little girl, snuggle with her, and laugh at the crazy cartoons shes watching.

Today may not be the day I had in mind on Saturday...but is still sounds like a pretty good day in my book :)




Us goofing off at our Easter Drama Practice