Thursday, December 8, 2016

It's Time :)

Black Friday has come and gone, and I have yet to put our Christmas tree up.It is sitting in the garage just waiting for me to send my hubby out side to drag it in. If it could think, it would probable be wondering why I have been taking so long.

 I am wondering the same thing.

Of course my artificial Christmas tree can't think....it has no feelings,  and it doesn't care that the day we usually set aside to put the tree up, has come and gone...its just a tree.

Me on the other hand, I do have feelings, and I do wonder why it has taken me this long to even want to get the tree out, let alone decorate for the holiday.

Lets be honest here, I still have my pumpkins on my front porch....I really do need to put them away!

I kept telling myself that I would put the tree up, on Black Friday, like we always do. Even though this year my Beautiful Mothers birthday fell on Black Friday. I was still going to put the tree up. I was going to have a great day, listening to Christmas music, decorating the tree and remembering my mother and celebrating her favorite holiday.

And then the day came, and I just couldn't...

I couldn't do anything...I avoided phone calls, stayed in my jammies for most of the day, and I didn't adult. 

I did remember though..I remembered putting up the tree with my mom, making cookies, and dancing around our huge house, with the music turned all the way up.

I remembered the laughs, and especially the love I felt, being surrounded by my family.

Then I remembered the 1st Christmas with out dad, how we celebrated through our tears, and I cried thinking about how this year, we will be celebrating through the tears again.

And even though I wanted to put up our tree, I just haven't been able to. The act of putting up the tree, isn't the hard part...no, that part will be fun. It is what happens afterward, when the hustle and bustle of decorating and making cookies is through. When the house is quiet,
and I am sitting in a dark room while everyone sleeps, looking at the lighted Christmas tree.

That is when all the memories will flood back. All the great Christmases filled with laughter and fun, the memories that we used to talk about for hours late in to the night.  Along with those memories, will come the sad ones. The last few years with out my father, and the thought of how this Christmas both of my parents will be gone, and the thought of making new memories with out my parents overwhelmed me.

That's why I haven't been in a huge rush to put my tree up.

I have let it sit, alone in the cold garage, collecting dust, because I didn't want to face making new memories. I know it sounds strange...life moves on, and I know that the memories I make will be great ones. But somewhere in the back of my mind I still feel like I can't make memories with out them.

I have decided to give myself grace in this area...I know that I will be sad, but I also know that I need to focus on the happy moments, and make sure that I am "present" with my family. I will cry, more then once, but I will also laugh, and act crazy, after all I was raised a Hopwood :)

Tomorrow I will put up my tree, make cookies with my daughter, and try my hardest to make her Christmas be like the ones I grew up with....Full of love, laughter, crazy dancing, loud Christmas music, and a ton of new memories.