Ever have an Ah-ha moment?
You know what I'm talking about...
.the moment a light bulb goes off in your head
and you can see the situation clearly.
Those moments are AWESOME!
It is like God has just opened your eyes and everything comes in so clearly, and you know exzactly what you are supposed to be doing!
I wish I could say I have a lot of these light bulb moments.....however I think God has to use a different type of technique on my type of brain. I personally think He must get tired of hitting me upside the head while saying "When will she EVER learn", or "seriously Shanna, this is the 3rd time we have had to go over this lesson"
I am unfortunately, a slow learner...and while I am learning from my mistakes, I sometimes have to learn from them over and over again..sigh, why is it so hard for me to learn?
It is something I am working on...I wish I could just jump to the test in some lessons, but that's not how God designed them. I have to walk through the lessons and learn from them.
Last week, while walking through the beginning of 21 days of prayer, I have learned something so important. The disappointments/failures/hurts of my past have helped shape who I am, but they do not define who I am meant to be. It has really changed my perspective, on how I look at the things that I have went through.
When I looked back over the disappointments and hurts that my family have walked through, I looked at them as "how could God allow us to walk through that" or "there was no reason for me to go through that." but now I realize that yes, we were hurt, we were disappointment, but it wasn't all for nothing. It was so we could grow and mature in our walk with God.
Our family walked through something so hurtful, so unbelievable that I couldn't understand WHY we were going through it. and you know what? I still dont know why...and I may NEVER know why we had to go through it. But it happened. the pain was real, the disbelief was real, the hurt was real...all the raw emotions, they were all real....and that is what I focus on now.
In my hurt, the tears I cried out to God were REAL, they were RAW, they were from the inner most depth of my soul, crying out to a God who would never leave or forsake me.
There were days where I couldn't even voice how hard my heart hurt, and I didn't know how to pray, I would close my eyes and let the tears fall, and just say "Jesus"
I cried out to Him. I needed His peace so much, that I sought after him with my whole being. I laid awake at night praying that God would shine His truth on the situation that we were faced with. I prayed that God would give me a forgiving heart, because it is easier to say "forgive and forget" then to actually say "I forgive you" to someone who has hurt you and your family.
Do you know what I found during this trial/lesson? I found that God was faithful, that He will not forsake His children. I also found out that while seeking Him, that He was never further away then just the mention of His name.
I learned that the struggle, while it hurt, was the thing that started me looking at my inner heart. It started me on a path that has been remarkable. It has given me a confidence in my faith that I did not have before. I know that no matter what I walk through, and no matter how hard and impossible the situation is, I can give it to God, and He will take care of it. He may ask us to walk though another hard struggle, but I know that even as I walk through it, God is in control of the outcome, and no matter what that outcome may be, He is in control.
I have started LOVING my quiet time with God. something that I did before just out of habit, I now long for it. I have been maturing not only in my personal life, but also in my spiritual walk. and with out the trials that had me on my knees, crying out to God, seeking Him and His peace, I may not have gotten to the place I am at now....or at least It would have been a lot slower...remember folks, I am a slow learner :)
God showed me that even in my hurt, even in my weakness, that He is there, giving me PEACE and STRENGTH to get through the most difficult situations.
This past week, I have worked through more emotions then I thought possible. I seriously thought the "21 days of prayer" would be us reading and praying for a bit, I didn't realize that we were going to be asked to go so deep. But I am so thankful for it. It is drawing me ever closer to my goal of having a deeper personal walk with my lord!
When we are at our weakest, God is at His strongest!