When prayers change

With everything going on in the the last few days, my prayers have changed.

My prayers are no longer filled with "please heal my mom.....if you can cure cancer, surely you can heal her liver"

My prayers are now..."Please take away her pain, surround her and us In your peace...please give her rest"

While I am still looking for a miracle, I am also realizing that each day, each moment she is here, her pain intensifies, and I don't want my beautiful mother to suffer.

I want her to be laughing and smiling and pain free, and while she is here, like this, that can't happen.

Sometimes the freedom and healing we pray and beg God for, only happens after he has called our loved ones home.

Changing my prayers have been hard...I want to scream out "why won't You save her!"

Then I realize that He already has...my mom is a child of Gods and He has already given everything for her. In that knowledge, I find Peace.

Even if I have to keep reminding myself Over and over again, throughout each new day.

My mind knows this, but my heart still aches.I still want to keep her here. No matter how many days we have left with her, they will never be enough.

I find myself grieving for moments we haven't even had yet....the birthdays coming up that she won't be at, the daily phone calls we will no longer have, the goofy jokes she will never tell my daughter...the list goes on and on.

It's in these moments when I have to take a deep breath, ask God for a moment of peace, hug my family and continue to pray for Gods will to be done.

Not my will....because my will would be her healthy, whole, and here with us...

I pray for Gods will, because only He knows the outcome, and as my mom always told me "Gods will is ALWAYS perfect."

Even when His will seems to be less then perfect in my mind, and I can't wrap my head around what is going on....His will is still perfect.

Comments

Having to say Goodbye

Saying good bye to someone is never easy, especially if you know that it may be the Last time you may ever see them, hug them, whisper that you Love them. You want to hold on to them forever and never let go......and then you have to leave...with that doubt in your mind, the whispered lies floating through your mind, taking root, that you were not there enough, that you didn't hug, kiss, or say you loved them enough. It's enough to crush you...enough to make you want to hide away from everyone.....even yourself. This is where we are...my Beautiful Mom is on hospice..and I am trying to wrap my head around that word.. Hospice......such a scary word....its the knowledge that the end is near, but never knowing when that final day will come. The past few months we have been making every opportunity to be with her, we knew this was coming, and we were going to make as many memories with her as we could, but there will always be more memories we want to share with her. ...

Bread Baking Adventure

Lets talk about bread...... I have a love/hate relationship with the stuff. I LOVE the taste of it, but I HATE what it does to me. Lately I have been on a search for healthier foods for me and my family, and since my daughter has a milk allergy, I have focusing most of my searches around what she needs the most ( or in this case what she cant have- milk based products) I have come up with a few great milk-less recipes that we love, like this Milk-less Pancake Recipe and this awesome milk-less Muffin base that we use all the time. I love mixing up the add-in ingredients to make different muffins that my daughter can enjoy. In an attempt to know what we are putting in to our bodies, I have started making most of our snacks/meals from scratch...and while it takes a little more time and effort, I think it is worth it in the long run. I LOVE to bake, but I am not that great of a bread maker...I don't even own a bread machine! I can make pumpkin bread and sweet breads.......

Becoming Intentional

It seems like forever since I have blogged....its actually only been a few days, but it feels longer...I have been waiting for something to write....something funny....something wonderful.....something inspiring...... However, I have nothing like that to write about.....my writing will be changed forever and as much as I hate that and the reason behind it, I cannot change it. Maybe in the future the tone of my writing will change, but for now I will write whats on my heart...it may not be for anyone but for me...and that is o.k. Today was the 1st day of school for this semester for my daughter Olivia. With us living between 2 homes during Mom's Hospice, I felt like we needed to focus all of our attention on spending as much time with mom as possible. So we put getting back to school on the back burner till we got home. It was the best decision for us, and I will never regret it. The extra hugs and snuggles, and TIME, Olivia was able to spend with her "Gugu" in her la...

Making Time 4 Home

Search This Blog