Monday, January 4, 2016

When prayers change

With everything going on in the the last few days,  my prayers have changed.

My prayers are no longer filled with "please heal my mom.....if you can cure cancer, surely you can heal her liver"

My prayers are now..."Please take away her pain, surround her and us In your peace...please give her  rest" 

While I am still looking for a miracle, I am also realizing that each day, each moment she is here, her pain intensifies, and I don't want my beautiful mother to suffer. 

I want her to be laughing and smiling and pain free, and while she is here, like this, that can't happen. 

Sometimes the freedom and healing we pray and beg God for, only happens after he has called our loved ones home.

Changing my prayers have been hard...I want to scream out "why won't You save her!" 

Then I realize that He already mom is a child of Gods and He has already given everything for her. In that knowledge, I find Peace. 

Even if I have to keep reminding myself Over and over again, throughout each new day.  

My mind knows this, but my heart still aches.I still want to keep her here. No matter how many days we have left with her, they will never be enough. 

I find myself grieving for moments we haven't even had yet....the birthdays coming up that she won't be at, the daily phone calls we will no longer have, the goofy jokes she will never tell my daughter...the list goes on and on. 

It's in these moments when I have to take a deep breath, ask God for a moment of peace, hug my family and continue to pray for Gods will to be done. 

Not my will....because my will would be her healthy, whole, and here with us...

I pray for Gods will, because only He knows the outcome, and as my mom always told me "Gods will is ALWAYS perfect." 

Even when His will seems to be less then perfect in my mind, and I can't wrap my head around what is going on....His will is still perfect. 


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