It seems like forever since I have blogged....its actually only been a few days, but it feels longer...I have been waiting for something to write....something funny....something wonderful.....something inspiring......
However, I have nothing like that to write about.....my writing will be changed forever and as much as I hate that and the reason behind it, I cannot change it. Maybe in the future the tone of my writing will change, but for now I will write whats on my heart...it may not be for anyone but for me...and that is o.k.
Today was the 1st day of school for this semester for my daughter Olivia. With us living between 2 homes during Mom's Hospice, I felt like we needed to focus all of our attention on spending as much time with mom as possible. So we put getting back to school on the back burner till we got home. It was the best decision for us, and I will never regret it. The extra hugs and snuggles, and TIME, Olivia was able to spend with her "Gugu" in her last days were totally worth taking the time off.
I would love to say that today went with out a hitch and that we are in a full blown school mode, but I would be lying. I had a few moments where I was overwhelmed...not with Olivia's school work, or my job (I babysit some pretty great kids), but with the knowledge that even while I am trying to make everything as "back to normal" as possible, we are never going to be back to normal.
Everything is different now. We face each day knowing that we will need to overcome the sadness and keep moving forward.
I was reminded by a great friend to not withdraw into myself. They know me all to well :) I tend to hole up in my house and hide away from the world, seeking that which I find comfort and familiarity with...my home...my family, and my close friends.
During this difficult time as I have been praying for a way to get through this pain, one word that has resounded in my heart and mind, has been...intentional
At first I didn't know what to make of it....I kept asking "what do I need to be intentional about" over and over again...
It took me a while to realize (longer then I would like to admit), that what I needed to be intentional about was...
I need to be intentional with my Bible reading, with my time, with the words I say to my family and friends.
I need to make sure that what I..
and even what I am eating...is intentional.
There needs to be a reason behind what I am doing...is what I am watching/reading, worth the time it is taking me away from my family or daily chores that need to be done.
Are the words I say to my family in haste or in a moment of anger going to build up my husband or daughter, or will MY words be something that breaks their spirit, or cause discord within my family?
Will being intentional with my bible reading and prayer time make me miss out on other things? Yes it will, but that's not a bad thing....if getting up early and picking up my bible, instead of my
Ipad/book/checking Facebook, and being intentional in the time I spend, will draw me closer to God and the place I want to be, then it will be worth missing out on a few updates/chapters/games.
When I look at it like that, am I truly missing out on anything?
But I am gaining everything....
This is our 1st day back and I have tried to be intentional with what I say and do today....its been harder then I thought. As I laid in bed last night thinking of all the ways I could be intentional today, not once did I think that it would hard.
I thought it would be a piece-of-cake....boy, was I ever wrong....and as hard as it is for me to write this....I have failed at being intentional today.
But tomorrow is a new day, and I have another plan, and slowly but surely, what was hard will become easier.
I will fail in speaking intentionally, and I'm sure that I will have to say I'm sorry for words spoken in haste and anger, and I will have to ask others for forgiveness, but I will also learn from those misspoken words, and hopefully wont make the same mistakes more then once.
I am sure I will fail and become sucked into the vortex that is Facebook....but as I intentionally set limits on my screen time, and I try to be more present in the moment, instead of just posting about it, I will become more satisfied with living life, then just updating everyone about it. Don't get me wrong, Facebook has its place and I use it for my business, not just checking in with friends, but it can also become a distraction if you are like me.
I will fall off the bandwagon, and I will hit rock bottom when it comes to dieting and exercising...BUT I know what is around the corner for me, if I DON'T become intentional with my eating, and it is not a road I am ready to cross...
I will struggle with early morning Bible reading and Prayer.....but I will soon come to love and crave the quiet time spent alone talking to my God.
Being intentional is what will keep me sane, it will help me channel my grief into working on areas of my life that, I feel, I have been lacking in.
I will fail...but I wont fail forever.
This is not an easy fix....it is something that I will have to work on every day of my life...it is a commitment that I am making, to me and my family...a commitment to try my best to use my time wisely...to speak words of encouragement, to put my spiritual life first so that I can rest in Him, so I can be able to take care of my family, they way they need to be cared for.
Tomorrow is a new day, and I look forward to once again, starting my journey of becoming an intentional wife, mom, sister, aunt, friend :)