Tuesday, January 12, 2016

Good Night

It has taken me a few days to put words to how I feel..

I have started and stopped this post, more times then I can count.

Just saying the words "my mom is gone" is hard.

For some reason I was still holding out for a miracle....I kept watching for signs that she was getting better...even when my eyes were showing me, and my head was telling me she was slipping away...I still kept looking...my heart was not ready to "see" what was in front of me. 

The last few days with mom were some of the hardest I have ever went through, and I wish that no one has to go through it. 

Some memories will never be written down, they are just for the few that were there, the ones who witnessed them and were a part of them.

Other memories will be told countless times, to friends and family, they will make us smile and warm our hearts..those are the memories I will hold on to. 

They will be the ones I write down...

At 7:59 p.m. on Saturday, January 9th, my beautiful Mom took her last breath and closed her eyes to this world. She was surrounded by her 3 daughters and the last thing she heard was us whispering "we love you." 

It was peaceful....for her. Which is what matters the most. 

For us girls, it was like a ripping of our hearts. 

We had prepared ourselves for this, or at least we thought  we had...but in reality, nothing can prepare you for watching a loved one die...no matter how long you are given to say goodbye. It is never enough time.

My mom touched so many lives. People she had only known for a year were coming to see her, telling us how big of an impact she had had on their lives...in such a short time. 

Those blessed to know her, knew she was  a kind, funny, crazy lady that could make a friend anywhere. she would (and did) give you the shirt off her back. She made everyone feel like they were special and that she loved them...and she did.

She had a heart for ministry and this showed in her everyday life. She loved bringing people to church and telling them about God. There are workers at Walmart who come up to me EVERYTIME we are there to ask about mom, and to tell me how much they miss her since she moved away. She started these friendships by asking them to church. 

I have yet to tell them of her passing...as if by telling one more person, would make it seem any less real. 

My family has let me "hide" in the house these past few days. I've had contact with a few close friends, but my husband has been taking my phone calls and has been keeping me sane  by keeping the house straight, and making late night trips to steak and shake for white chocolate shakes. 

I'm not ready to a face a world where both my parents are gone.

I'm not sure when I will be ready to face that...for now I am taking it one day at a time.

Until then my family and friends are helping me cope and even on occasion bringing a smile to my face :) 
My mom had taken to saying "Goodnight", instead of saying goodbye....when I asked her why, she said she couldn't bare to say goodbye to us. So regardless of the time, she would say "goodnight" whenever I would hang up the phone, or when I would say I was running to the store, but would be right back, she would always say "goodnight"

"Good Night" 

It's so much better then saying good bye...goodbye has such a "ending" to it...it is so final.

Good Night, to me, means I'll see you in the morning!

To me it's a promise. 

It's a promise that one day soon, we will all be in heaven...Mom and Dad have already finished their race and have received their reward. 

They are where we long to be, where we spend our whole life reaching for. One day we will hear the same words they heard.

"Well done" 

And we will rejoice with them. 

I may not see you tomorrow morning Mom, but I will see you again.

 So when we see you, for the last time, here on this Earth, I won't say goodbye...

I'll say good night.  

Love you more then words can say.

Until we meet again....Good Night Mama! 

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