Friday, January 8, 2016

No words

There are no words to express what we are going through...I couldn't even begin to describe the hurt that we are experiencing. 

Watching a loved one slip away, a little more with each day, is emotionally draining. 

The hardest thing is knowing that with each passing moment, it could be her last. 

I have taken to hugging her and "tucking her in" multiple times a night...because I'm so afraid that it will be the last time I get to do so. 

My sister and I have spent the night holding her hand, whispering to her that "it's ok" if she needs to go....that we "understand." 

I need to cry, but I'm afraid that once the tears start, I will not be able to recover...and we have to be strong, for mom...for the kids...for each other. 

Even though I know that I need to be strong...i'm not.

I want to curl up in my moms bed, like I did when I was scared as a child, and have her wrap her arms around me and tell me  "it's ok." 

I want her to tell me that she's "here" and there is nothing to be scared of. 

I want her to comfort me and ease my fears....instead the roles are reversed...we are comforting her, telling her that she's not alone, and that we are here for her. 

We are taking care of her....it's so hard to fathom that my sister and I have taken over the role of parent in the last few days...

I wouldn't wish this on anyone, but caring for, loving on, comforting her,  and easing her fears has been an honor. 

We have been able to show her how much she means to us. To tell her how much we love and appreciate her. It's been some of the hardest days, but also some of the sweetest. 

My mom loved us girls with all her heart....and we have been able to show that we love her with all of ours. 

Each morning with her, we are given another day to show her how much we love her and that she means the world to us. 

Those words are easy to write...they are filled with love...

The hard words are filled with doubt, fear and anger...not at God, but at the situation we are yet again facing. 

For those feelings I have no words....and that's ok...because God doesn't need to hear our words...He can see our hearts and the hurt that we are going through.

And even when it seems like we are standing alone in the middle of this storm, I can still feel His hand holding tight to mine, and I am clinging to Him. 












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