Tuesday, November 17, 2015

"If Only"

 I was looking through an old file and this popped up. I wrote this a few years ago, when I was really struggling with what I was bringing into my home, and what I was allowing to take my focus away from my family, and more importantly, what I was allowing to take my focus off of God.

Have you ever looked at someone and wished you could be like them?  Or thought “if only I looked like them, made as much money, had a huge house, etc?"

I sure have!

I don’t need a lot of money, but I would LOVE to live in a big beautiful home. I love our home, but I  would prefer that it was a little bigger and nicer from time to time. 

I also have a very bad “habit” of wanting to live like those I see on my favorite tv shows. Deep in the recesses of my mind I know that it is all fiction, but how many of us have finished watching an episode of our favorite show, and thought “if only….?”

If only my hair looked that good..

If only I was that thin, I could....

If only my life looked like that...

If only...

I found it easier to escape into my fandom of choice, over facing the  realities of life....you know, the realities that were only there because I kept saying "if only".

                                  Fandom pic can be found at  http://fandom-fest.tumblr.com/

 I found myself wishing for someone who would take me away from my life and take me on adventures. I wanted that feeling of importance that came with a mad rush of adrenaline as I saved the day. I was consumed with finding meaning in what I did every day, that I soon began to resent my role as a mother, and wife. I was no longer satisfied with where God had placed me.

 I needed more.
The sad thing about needing more is that when you get it,  it is NEVER enough!

It was a sad day when I realized that I no longer enjoyed being around my family and friends. I loved them, but I wanted to be involved in something so much more. I wanted to feel needed more than what I was, I wanted to be something so much more than what I was. I wanted to be rescued from the ordinary life that I had.

 What I had failed to realize was that, I didn’t have an ordinary life. My life was perfect the way it was, but I was so engrossed in a cloud of “if only” that I couldn’t see it.

 I was searching for something, when what I needed more than anything was to return to where I had been and start over. I needed to put down my fiction books, turn off the sci-fi shows, and bring out my Bible and pray more than ever before.

And if only I had listened to that small voice inside me begging me to take a step back...to reevaluate

“If only…..”

This is the part where I bare my heart to you. I became bitter. I became engrossed in my shows and my mythological books. I couldn’t leave them alone. I carried books with me just in case I had a few minutes  to myself that I could steal away and read a page or two. I would spend evenings in my room watching my shows while my family spent time together. I was secluding myself and I didn’t even realize it.

If only...

If only I had decided that my family was enough, that I was where God wanted me to be, that I had a purpose for his kingdom.

If only..

 Here is where the Lord stepped in, and took over something that had completely consumed my heart. 

I had a DREAM.....there was no audible spoken words, no bright shining light, an angel didn't visit me in the early morning hours while everyone was asleep....I simply had a dream. 

I had a dream where I was standing alone and I could hear someone whispering  "you will spend your time watching a timelord, but you wont spend time with Your Lord" 

That's it... the whole dream!

 I woke up and started writing. Writing has always been my outlet, and a way for me to process my feelings, and with this it was the same. What started as a few lines scratched out when I was still half asleep, turned into pages, I poured everything out, and that is where this post came from. 

I felt like I was given a second chance, that even though I had allowed my fandom (nothing wrong with being a fan girl, I just had a fangirl moment the other day,  I just need to keep it in moderation) to overtake and be placed above God and my family. That is where I was in the wrong, not because I loved a show, or enjoyed reading science fiction books, it was because of where I placed their value in my life.

I look back on those months and think of the time I wasted. Do I still love a good sci-fi show every now and then?  You better believe it, but I am also a lot pickier about what I watch, I set limits for myself, and I have taken the "guarding of my home" to heart. I don't want to let anything in that will do harm to my family, or let ideas/issues in that my daughter may hear or see. Try telling a 10 -year- old that it is ok to watch something, but not to do it...yeah it doesn't work that way. 

I may even seem overly conservative and protective in what I allow in, but I am this way because I have seen the other side! 

The ugly, unsatisfied, bitter, and lonely side.

Our world is often  filled with “if only” and we sometimes forget that we have a pretty awesome life as it is. It may be filled with struggles, but the lives we see on tv or read about in books are nothing compared to what we have. 

My life is not perfect, it never will be. But I have an awesome life. I'm blessed with a beautiful daughter, a Husband that loves me with all his heart, and puts up with my craziness, wonderful friends that bless us every day, and I have a God that gives Second Chances. 

I am blessed and that is enough:)

 "But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you". - Matthew 6:33

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