My Mom has been gone for three months....sometimes it feels like forever, and then there are times that it feels like just yesterday we were sitting in her room, holding her hand, and watching her take her last breath...
This past week had been so hard, I'm not sure why, but I have been an emotional roller-coaster, one second I was laughing while watching a movie with my family, and the next thing I know, I am balling my eyes out, because I know my parents would have been laughing at the movie too...
I still wait for her to text me every night.
I still pick up my phone to call her when I need someone to talk to.
I still forget that she is gone.
I still want to tell her how much I love her, just one more time......or how much she meant to me.
I still long for one more hug, for her to squeeze me tight and tell me shes proud of me.
I still want to see her dancing like crazy to Christmas music with Olivia, or hear her tell stories all in Pig Latin, while doing all the hand movements.
I still want her to go on sleepovers with us and teach Olivia how to do a Chinese Fire Drills..
I still want her to finish painting the birdhouses in our kitchen (that she started before she and dad moved)
I still want my mom to be here.
While I know that is not a possibility....my heart still tells me, that the late night text is from her, even while my brain is telling me its not possible...I still check to see if its her.
My heart has been overwhelmed...and sometimes its hard to see past the tears and the emptiness.
We have been this through this before with Dad.....we are still going through grief from his loss....maybe that's why its so hard this time....because I am not morning just my mom, I am mourning the loss of both of my parents.
I type that sentence 'I am mourning the loss of both my parents" and it seems so surreal, like they could pop in and say hi at any given moment.
How I wish....
Even though I still miss my Mom and my Dad, I know where they are. I
can close my eyes and "see" them dancing and singing around the throne,
worshiping their Lord. They spent their whole life, working for the
goal of Heaven, and they won their race. That knowledge alone brings me
I may never get to see them again on this earth, but I look forward to that moment, when I will see them again in Heaven.
Throughout this I have been blessed with family and close friends who have been here for me no matter what... I can honestly say that I wouldn't have gotten through this without them by my side. God placed them in my life, just when I needed them the most.
He has a way of doing that....providing us with what we need the most,before we even know that we need it.
While my mom was on hospice, we played a CD over and over again...to the point that I wanted to throw the CD out...I never wanted to hear the songs again, I associated them with her passing and while they were great songs, I just couldn't hear them without crying.
However, one of the songs has been stuck in my head for the past week. I find myself humming it, or just singing the chorus, and much to my surprise, I dont feel sad, I feel at peace. I have been drawing strength and comfort from something I never thought I would.
Once again, God knew what I needed before I did and He stored away that song, knowing that it would be exactly what I needed, right now in this stage of my grief.
The song is about how God will never leave us, it is a great reminder that I am not alone....no matter how alone I feel, He is always beside me, holding my hand and bringing comfort when I most need it.
So thankful for these reminders, that even when I dont know what is coming, God has already given me what I need to get through it.