My Heart

Wow...its been a bit since I have written a blog post. I have been mulling over a few ideas, but every time I sit down to write, my brain just turns off, which is kind of frustrating for someone who LOVES to write.

Today, the same thing happened. I sat down ready to write about something I have been thinking about over the last few days, and the moment my hands touched the keyboard....I got nothing!

So today, instead of writing something that is thought out and planned, I am just going to open up and let you see into my heart
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As much as I would love to be the organized, calm mother and wife, I think I lean more toward the stressed out, over analyzing, forgetful mom/wife.

I have made great strides in this area, mostly becasue I have been making myself use a daily/monthly planner, but.....if I forget to write something in it, then its not going to get done.

My house is not the perfectly clean and managed home that I would love it to be. In fact, as I'm sitting here writing this, I can see the toys that are not being played with stacked along the wall...you know just in case, my lovely daughter decides she wants to play with them again today, and I have laundry sitting (yet again) in my washer that has to be re-washed.

My dog needs to be shaved and is in desperate need of a bath, which is very apparent as he is "snuggling" next to me.

And while my kitchen is "clean", I still need to unload the dishwasher and sweep the floors.

I want to be that perfect mom/wife that is fun and always doing something for her family...the mom/wife that never yells, and is always encouraging.

I dont want to be the one who gets upset about how her husbands hair is cut (yes, that did happen), or be the mom  that is frustrated at toys on the floor.

Have you ever stepped on a miniature My Little Pony in the middle of the night???

If you have then you know the pain and frustration that I'm talking about.

I want to be the happy, go lucky mom with out a care in the world, whose life revolves around her family and friends. However this past year has not been as we planned it. We have been through so much as a family, that it has taken a toll on us all. I have not been the mom/wife that I have wanted to be. I have gone to bed in tears, becasue I have not been the best that I can be. I have said things that can never be unsaid, and I have failed at being a great mom/wife.

And yet...my family still loves me, I still get hugs and kisses and an unending amount of forgiveness from them. they have held me up when I have hit rock bottom, and never once made me feel like the failure I know that I have been.

Love....Their love makes me want to try harder, to be more deserving of what they give me so freely.

I will probably  NEVER have a spotless house, and as much as I want to be that perfect mom/wife, I will have to settle for what I am. A mom/wife who loves her family more then anything, someone who wants to be the best for them, becasue they deserve the best!