The house is quiet, and everyone except for me is sound asleep.
My faithful dog is resting at my feet,and my hubby is gently snoring next to me.
I should be sleeping, but I cant.
My brain has decided that tonight we will travel back and revisit old wounds.Tears that I thought were long dried up have been silently and steadfastly making their way to the surface today.
Grief can make you feel things you never thought a human could be capable of feeling.
One moment you are fine, and then the next you are remembering something and all of a sudden you cant catch your breath, and it feels like you are sinking, unable to push yourself back to the surface.
It can feel as if you are caught in a tidal wave and every-time you feel like you are about to break through, another wave crashes into you, and you are once again floundering in a sea of grief.
If you have lost a loved one, then you understand what I am talking about.
If you have never experienced this, then I pray that you never will.
I do good, most of the time.
I can hide behind a smile on days that I feel down, because lets be honest, Life does go on. And when you have people depending on you and a family to take care of, sometimes you don't have the luxury of hiding in your room, under the covers with you iPad, binge watching your favorite show, as you wait out the low days.
No, you have to show up and take care of your life.
So we smile, and we say everything is fine, and you know what...usually just by doing that, your day does get better.
What is that saying?
"Fake it until you make it".
I kind of like "Smile, until you no longer want to cry", better.
Why am I sad?
That's a good question, and I will try to answer it as honestly as I can.
I'm sad because they are gone..Sad because I can no longer talk to them and tell them about my day, or how well Olivia is doing in her School. I am sad because so much has happened and they missed it. I am sad because they left me.
OK, I know they didn't leave me. This was not something they chose. I know it makes me sound selfish for even writing that out.
Full disclosure...I did delete that line a few times.
But let me be honest for a moment. When you lose someone, you WILL feel as if they have left you. It will hurt like nothing you have ever been through. You wont just be sad, you will be angry.
But that is OK.
Its OK to be upset that they are gone. I mean, my goodness...you LOVED them, why wouldn't you be upset, and angry, and feeling lost, and maybe...just a little hopeless.
These feelings will resurface, even long after you feel like you have put them to bed.
Maybe that's why today has been so hard for me, Because I am not just sad...I'm upset...and if I am totally honest with myself...I am not mad at them, but I am mad that they are gone.
I'm mad because I NEEDED to talk to my mom today. I NEEDED to hear my dad tell me everything was going to be OK. I NEEDED them today, and they were not here.
I don't feel like this every day, and today kind of took me by surprise.
I wouldn't wish them back to this world for anything. As much as I love them, I wouldn't want them here suffering. They are at peace, they are no longer in pain and I truly believe that they are completely healed and walking on streets of gold. They are where we all long to be, and there is no doubt in my mind that I will see them again.
What a day that will be!
Tonight I am clinging to the promise that we are given in Psalm 34:18
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
He sees my broken heart, my pain and grief, and He knows what I am going through. It says that he is close to us...to me, to you, to everyone who is suffering a loss. To those who feel as if the world is crashing around them. He is so close to us.
I love the song, "He's as close as the mention of His Name", because sometimes, when we are in the midst of our grief all we can do is Whisper His name. That's all it takes, just whispering the name of Jesus, and He is there.
As I come to a close, I am reminded of all the times that my heart has been weary and heavy, and all I could do was whisper His name, and with out fail, He was there to guide me and comfort me in my time of need.
It is not about how you pray, or the words you say...Its about what is behind those words, thoughts, whispers.
He Sees you.
He hears you.
Even your whispered prayers.
If you are missing a loved one tonight, know that you are not alone. Reach out to THE ONE who loved you so much that He gave His life for you!
My faithful dog is resting at my feet,and my hubby is gently snoring next to me.
I should be sleeping, but I cant.
My brain has decided that tonight we will travel back and revisit old wounds.Tears that I thought were long dried up have been silently and steadfastly making their way to the surface today.
Grief can make you feel things you never thought a human could be capable of feeling.
One moment you are fine, and then the next you are remembering something and all of a sudden you cant catch your breath, and it feels like you are sinking, unable to push yourself back to the surface.
It can feel as if you are caught in a tidal wave and every-time you feel like you are about to break through, another wave crashes into you, and you are once again floundering in a sea of grief.
If you have lost a loved one, then you understand what I am talking about.
If you have never experienced this, then I pray that you never will.
I do good, most of the time.
I can hide behind a smile on days that I feel down, because lets be honest, Life does go on. And when you have people depending on you and a family to take care of, sometimes you don't have the luxury of hiding in your room, under the covers with you iPad, binge watching your favorite show, as you wait out the low days.
No, you have to show up and take care of your life.
So we smile, and we say everything is fine, and you know what...usually just by doing that, your day does get better.
What is that saying?
"Fake it until you make it".
I kind of like "Smile, until you no longer want to cry", better.
Why am I sad?
That's a good question, and I will try to answer it as honestly as I can.
I'm sad because they are gone..Sad because I can no longer talk to them and tell them about my day, or how well Olivia is doing in her School. I am sad because so much has happened and they missed it. I am sad because they left me.
OK, I know they didn't leave me. This was not something they chose. I know it makes me sound selfish for even writing that out.
Full disclosure...I did delete that line a few times.
But let me be honest for a moment. When you lose someone, you WILL feel as if they have left you. It will hurt like nothing you have ever been through. You wont just be sad, you will be angry.
But that is OK.
Its OK to be upset that they are gone. I mean, my goodness...you LOVED them, why wouldn't you be upset, and angry, and feeling lost, and maybe...just a little hopeless.
These feelings will resurface, even long after you feel like you have put them to bed.
Maybe that's why today has been so hard for me, Because I am not just sad...I'm upset...and if I am totally honest with myself...I am not mad at them, but I am mad that they are gone.
I'm mad because I NEEDED to talk to my mom today. I NEEDED to hear my dad tell me everything was going to be OK. I NEEDED them today, and they were not here.
I don't feel like this every day, and today kind of took me by surprise.
I wouldn't wish them back to this world for anything. As much as I love them, I wouldn't want them here suffering. They are at peace, they are no longer in pain and I truly believe that they are completely healed and walking on streets of gold. They are where we all long to be, and there is no doubt in my mind that I will see them again.
What a day that will be!
Tonight I am clinging to the promise that we are given in Psalm 34:18
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
He sees my broken heart, my pain and grief, and He knows what I am going through. It says that he is close to us...to me, to you, to everyone who is suffering a loss. To those who feel as if the world is crashing around them. He is so close to us.
I love the song, "He's as close as the mention of His Name", because sometimes, when we are in the midst of our grief all we can do is Whisper His name. That's all it takes, just whispering the name of Jesus, and He is there.
As I come to a close, I am reminded of all the times that my heart has been weary and heavy, and all I could do was whisper His name, and with out fail, He was there to guide me and comfort me in my time of need.
It is not about how you pray, or the words you say...Its about what is behind those words, thoughts, whispers.
He Sees you.
He hears you.
Even your whispered prayers.
If you are missing a loved one tonight, know that you are not alone. Reach out to THE ONE who loved you so much that He gave His life for you!
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