Wednesday, December 16, 2015
It has been a hectic few weeks....I have been back and forth to see my mom, spent some long days sitting by her bedside in a hospital room and felt, what I can only describe as, complete and utter exhaustion, creep up on me and grab hold of every aspect of my life.
My house is a mess.
Our car looks like I have been living in it for weeks.
I haven't unpacked.
My poor family has lived off of fast food for the last week, and I'm pretty sure they have forgotten what a home cooked meal tastes like.
I was drained, but I was also blessed.
We all have those moments when we say something, or argue about something small and then immediately regret it. Usually we can call and fix it by saying I'm sorry the next day. I had such a conversation with my mom, and unfortunately for me, when I called the next day, she was unable to carry on a conversation, and didn't know what I was talking about due to her medications.
I was heartbroken.....I went around the house for days crying, because the last coherent conversation between me and my mom ended in an argument over something, that in retrospect, was so small.
We went to see her and it was the same...she was repeating herself and sleeping all day. I sat in her room just hoping that she would look at me with clear eyes and start talking to me.....It didn't happen. So on the day I left to come home, I hugged her and just cried telling her how much I loved her, not knowing if she understood what I was saying.
Sunday Morning, we got the call that mom was rushed by ambulance to the ER, where she was eventually admitted to the Hospital..the whole way there, all I could think about was how I "Needed" to be able to speak to my mom and have her understand me.
At this point, let me remind you that even prayers whispered out of despair and grief, the ones that your heart whispers, because you are so emotionally raw that you cant speak them....these are the prayers that God hears.
My heart was so hurt, so heavy, that I couldn't even cry out what I needed, all I could do was whisper it over and over again in my heart and mind...
And My God heard my inner most fears, my doubt and my hurt, and He answered them.
My mom was sleeping when I walked in to the ER, but when I bent down to give her a hug, she woke up and said "hi Shan!"
At first I didn't think anything of it....I started putting my purse down, pulling up a seat and settling in...then she asked me where Olivia and Dallas were, then she asked me how I was feeling, and how she was sorry that we had to come back to see her.
I just looked at her and started crying... She laughed when I told her I was "SO glad she could talk to me"...
So in that tiny ER room we talked, and talked, and talked, and I LOVED every minuet of it.
I got to tell her I was sorry for the argument,I was able to hold her hand, pray for her, and have conversations that left us both laughing. We were able to "clear the air" on some issues. to put behind us past hurts. It was precious to me, to hold her hand as she slept and to hear her say "I love you" when she woke up.
Shes is finally home from the hospital, and is very tired, but with her medications adjusted, she is still able to talk to us, and to carry on conversations, that we didn't think she would ever be able to do again.
We still have a long road ahead of us, but if God is willing to answer a prayer that was whispered from my heart, I KNOW that He will be with us, whatever road he asks us to take.
My house is STILL a mess...
My car STILL looks like a tornado went off in it...
and I STILL need to cook for my family...
But.....none of that matters....What matters are the smiles, the hugs, the kisses, and the conversations we are able to have with the ones we love.
And the Peace we have in knowing that our steps are ordered by the Lord and that He has this situation under control.